it's a big girl world now...

"we're adults. when did that happen? and how do we make it stop?" (meredith grey, grey's anatomy)

i recently posted this on my myspace blog, but really want to get away from blogging on myspace. cuz the truth is...i hate myspace. i have been on the verge of cancelling my account so many times and can't bring myself to do it for some reason. pathetic. they're gonna have to have recovery groups for myspace addicts soon...it's getting out of hand. i have friends that literally spend an average of 2-3 hours a day on there...just re-decorating their page. anyway, i could go on, but i digress...here's the official start of my new blog:

i've really been in the mood to write lately, but struggling with expressing myself...which is not normal for me. i'm not sure why this is exactly. writing has always been my outlet. i always had a difficult time expressing myself verbally, but now that that has become easier for me, it's like i don't need this outlet. i rarely journal anymore. i miss it. i had come to the conclusion that this was largely due to the fact that i'm sick of saying the same things over and over again. i'm sick of feeling the same way, complaining about the same stuff, and ultimately ending up in the same place in my head. and i'm sure that has a lot to do with it too. i need to find a way to get back inside myself. i feel like i've lost touch with who i am. in the craziness of life, i often feel like i'm standing still on a busy city street while everything speeds by all around me (you've seen those shots in movies). i would love to just get in my car and drive. i don't know where. just out of here. just drive and listen to music. one of my favorite things to do. i would love to fly to europe and get a job at a coffee shop or something and just live there for a few months. there are so many things i want to try and places i want to see. and sometimes i feel like my life is just wasting away. i sit here at this desk and the days fly by...and then months...and, before i know it, years. do you notice how fast the years seem to go by as you grow older?

i don't want to abandon everything i've worked so hard for, but i feel burnt out. i think i'm too young to be this tired. what is wrong with our society. everyone is in such a rush to be successful, make lots of money, get married, have kids, etc., that they forget to just "be." they forget how to live life. or worse, they never learn how to love life. it's not that i don't want some of those things. i just don't want to be so preoccupied with searching for or pursuing them that i miss what's right in front of me. i don't want to miss the beauty of a single day. there is so much right in front us, staring us straight in the face, but we don't see it. sometimes we're so busy that we completely miss it. but more often than not, i think we choose not to see it. we are blinded by apprehension or doubt. it's safe that way. it's a self-preservation thing. it saddens me though.

i don't want to walk out of work tonight, underneath my umbrella, racing to the comfort of my car so god forbid i don't get wet. i want to look up and watch it fall. i want to dance in it. and maybe even jump in a few puddles. i want people to look at me funny. cuz i don't give a shit. i'm gonna live my life...and i'm learning how to love it.

"it's a big girl world now...full of big girl things...and every day, i wish i was small..."