all you need is love...

i'm listening to the rain outside my window right now.  i love it.  there's something nostalgic about it. 

today was one of those blah days. you know the kind...not bad, not good, just blah. i didn't get much accomplished. i think i need to find a good place to go where i can get work done...a nice coffee shop with free internet. i don't do well with the whole working at home thing. i get too antsy.

i saw "across the universe" today. then i walked around downtown, before coming back home and watching more episodes of "grey's anatomy." i hate to sound pathetic, but there's something to say about good movies or television when you're going through a shitty time. huh, i just thought about reel angels as i was typing that. makes me believe in my own mission statement even more...escaping through the magic of movies. just had one of those "a-ha" moments :)

back to the movie...it really was amazing. brilliant, actually. i had a complete emotional experience throughout the course of the film and its wonderful characters. a brief summary, for those who don't know anything about it, goes like this: jude, a dock worker in liverpool, travels to america in the 1960s to find his estranged father. there he falls in love with an american teenager, lucy. when her brother (and jude's new best friend), max, is drafted to fight in the vietnam war, lucy becomes involved in peace activism, which ultimately tears her and jude apart. it's an original musical film, set to many beatles songs that defined that time period. it's a fictional, but beautiful love story. and i just would definitely recommend it to anyone that likes films like "big fish" and "moulin rouge."

as far as my blah day, i think we all need blah days every once in a while. i struggle with not feeling productive, but that's something i just need to let go of on occasion. note to self: learn to embrace blah days.

change

it's amazing how quickly your life can change.  not just some small change, but literally do a 180 in such a short amount of time.  i find it interesting that i've had the opportunity to experience this twice already in the 23 years that i've been alive.  the first time, i feel like it was completely out of my hands.  i had absolutely no control.  this last time, i think i orchestrated it.  not in that i planned on it happening the way it did, but in that i made choices & decisions that determined the outcome.  and yet what i find to be the most interesting is that it brought me to the same, hopeless place in the end.  i wonder what that means, if it means anything at all.  does it mean that life is going to take its course, regardless of which actions you take.  i'd like to think we have some say in the direction our lives go.  but then there is always that weird sense of peace in thinking that maybe whatever is supposed to happen will eventually happen one way or the other.  some people might call it fate. i hesitate to put that label on it because of the negative connotations sometimes associated with the word.  but it's something like that.  

i felt a little better today.  maybe it was just a good day...a break from the literal hell i felt like i was in this last week.  it's not that i don't feel sad, or miss him any less today.  i just feel a little more positive about the reality of my situation.  i'm in an amazing city, with a great roommate and new friend.  i will meet more people.  i won't always feel so alone.  i have the prospect of a great new job.  i don't know what or where or when, but that's what's so great about it.  i have the choice.  i have options.  and if, god forbid, i make the wrong choice, it's not the end of the world.  i'm 23 years old.  i'm not supporting anyone.  no one is relying on me in order to survive.  i feel like i can finally think about me.  what is it that i want.  what is it that i need.  not "who do i need to be in order to make [insert name here] happy."  i don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks right now.  holy shit.  that is a really freeing realization.  one that's going to take some getting used to, but that's okay.  and i know this isn't the end of rough times or bad days, but there is always some sort of light and the end of whatever path i'm on.

here is what i know...i'm healthy, i'm strong, i'm smart, i'm beautiful (that one was a little more difficult for me to type, but i'm working on it), i have a roof over my head, i have food in my cupboard (and/or fridge), i have a family that loves me and would do anything for me, i have at least 2 other people in my life that i know i can count on to be there whenever i need them (and vice versa).

here is what i hope for...a long life ahead of me (full of love and hurt, happiness and tough times, laughter and tears...for they all shape who i am), to find what it is that fulfills this desire and passion in the depths of my heart, to always stand firm in what i believe and speak up for myself (no matter the cost).

here is what i want...to love someone with all my heart and be loved, cherished and adored in return, to be a good mom (not a perfect mom, but just to do the best i can), to be a respected woman (among my family, friends, and/or co-workers), to have a place to call home, to always take risks, to live without fear of failure by trying everything i want to do at least once, to get back up and try again if i do fail.  failure is inevitable.  just like change is inevitable.  whether we think we control it or not, it's bound to happen.

i want to hang on to the idea that if he and i are meant to come together again in this life, it will happen.  i need to let go.  i know he will be fine.  i trust he will be taken care of.  and if this was true friendship, then that will reveal itself in time.  i hope it was true and real.  i hope.

currently listening to:


"starting now" by ingrid michaelson

how are you doing?

how are you doing?

it's a question we ask everyday, but often fail to hear the response
we are too busy thinking about what we ourselves have to say

it's a question we are asked everyday...
at the coffee shop on the way to work in the morning
as you walk around your place of employment
in line at the grocery store
when a server approaches your table
...but very rarely is it asked sincerely

i appreciate the people in my life that pause to hear what i have to say when they ask me how i'm doing. i really appreciate those people who have the patience to put up with me even when i can't formulate a response to such a simple question. because, lately, the truth is...i just don't know.

i came back from europe this month thinking i'd finally be able to make some changes. thinking this experience would help me get my ass in gear. i got it out of my system so now i can move on and focus on other things, right? yah, not so much. i'm beginning to think that with age comes ambiguity. i always imagined the opposite to be true...that with age would come clarity and wisdom and a sense of direction and meaning. but i can't seem to make a fucking decision anymore. i feel even more lost than i did before i left. i feel even more lost than i did 4 years ago. nothing seems to fit. it's like i have all these puzzle pieces of my life, but they don't go together...they all belong to completely different puzzles. i'm having a really hard time making sense of anything. it's almost like i'm watching myself from the outside. and my heart is yelling at my body and my mind. i feel paralyzed. physically. emotionally. spiritually.

i was watching grey's anatomy tonight, and the episode itself wasn't that great, but the end really got to me. meredith says, "too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. desire leaves us heartbroken. it wears us out. desire can wreck your life. but as tough as wanting something can be…the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."

i used to be the former person...i fear i have become the latter.

do what you love...and fuck the rest

i saw "little miss sunshine" again on the plane on the way home tonight. i think i loved it more than i did the first time. there's a scene between the son and his uncle (steve carell)...and the kid gives a speech about how life is one beauty contest after another, and he ends by saying "do what you love and fuck the rest." i know it's out of context if you haven't seen the movie, but i also don't wanna give it away if you haven't seen the movie :) anyway, that line just resonated with me...it may sound harsh to some, but oh well. that's how i want to live. it shouldn't be about what everyone else thinks or expects of you. it shouldn't be about what people say you can or can't do. there's always a way to do what you are passionate about. so i'm gonna do what i love...and fuck the rest.

europe or bust!

well, i'm finally doing it...after talking about it for over 6 years and planning multiple trips in my head...i'm finally going backpacking across europe. it's so weird to actually say that. i don't think it has completely hit me yet. i keep having freak out moments where i worry i'm forgetting something that i absolutely can't leave behind for a couple months. but the reality is, if i don't do it now, when? time goes by so fast and before i know it i will be married and have kids and a lot of other responsibilities i don't have now. so the question is why NOT go? and despite the occassional freak out moment, i am so fucking excited!

i will write more when i know more myself :) but until then, a little quote that i love from mark twain:

"twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbor. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover."

forever lonely

forever lost
never found
the longing for
some greater plan unknown
forever lonely
never alone
the endless search
for somewhere to call home

happiness is...

i came across some quotes on happiness the other day and it got me thinking...what is happiness to me? so here is what i have come up with so far...in no particular order :)

"we all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same."

anne frank

"happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

gandhi

happiness is...

• knowing you’re exactly where you should be at any given time in your life

• contagious

• sitting with someone and not having to say anything...just being

• listening to music while driving in the car

• watching my little brother and sister grow up into such amazing people

• having a starbucks with my dad

• talking to my mommy

• having one on one time with any of my friends or family

• getting a card from a friend…just because

• being hugged

• knowing someone thinks you’re beautiful…when you are in gym clothes and have no makeup on

• having someone tell you that you’re beautiful

• taking pictures in a photo booth

• long walks

• traveling...seeing new things
  

• eating dessert
  

• having lunch with a friend you don't get to see very often

• watching a good movie

• watching a movie with the kids at the hospitals where we do screenings

• having those kids come up to me and hug me and thank me

• getting mail…not bills

• knowing you’ve done your best...tried your hardest...regardless of the outcome

• watching a sunset

• walking on the beach

• pursuing a dream
  

• accomplishing a goal

• doing something you’re afraid of…and loving it!

• jumping out of a perfectly good plane

• the feeling you get when you're excited to see someone

• vegging at home on the weekend
  

• knowing you always have a place to call home

• being alone from time to time

• taking a nap

• being able to help somebody else

• singing kelly clarkson songs with my sister when we're driving

• falling in love
  

• laughing so hard your face and stomach hurt

• writing...songs, poems, journal entries, whatever
  

• taking a bubble bath

• playing with the animals in a pet store

• reading a good book

• lying in bed listening to the rain outside

• better yet, playing in the rain
  

• even better, jumping in puddles :)

• warm clothes right out of the dryer

• being able to laugh at yourself

• buying new shoes...or clothes...the excitement lasts a little while at least

• being with family during the holidays
  

• late night phone calls that last for hours
  

• laughing for absolutely no reason at all
  

• waking up and realizing you still have more time left to sleep

• going on vacation
  

• having someone play with your hair

• curling up next to a fireplace in the winter…even though we don’t really have those here :) i like to pretend...
  

• going on a road trip
  

• swinging on swings

• watching your friends get married and have kids

• going to concerts

• cooking dinner with a friend
  

• holding hands
  

• reuniting with old friends

• making new friends

• watching grey's anatomy :)
  

• watching the sunrise

• knowing someone looks up to you
  

• knowing that someone misses you

• finding new music that you love
  

• knowing you've done the right thing, regardless of what other people think