journal entry #1

i feel like i need an outlet. i need someone to talk to in order to get all of these thoughts out of my head. but if you were to put that person in front of me i'd probably have no idea what to say...no clue where to begin. i'm disgusted with myself. i know i've said this many times before but i don't like who i am, who i've become. i'm learning to play the games and disguise my true self. i lie like it's nothing. i even lie to myself, so i don't know when i'm lying anymore. i don't dream anymore - not even when i sleep. i don't feel passionate about anything or anyone. i can make you think i do though. is any of it real or is it all a facade? i hate to think there's no truth to it at all, but it does feel that way sometimes. i feel like i'm living someone else's life. this isn't me. this isn't who i am or who i ever wanted to be. what do i do though? how do i escape before it's too late? before i don't even recognize anymore what's happening? i feel so alone. so uncomfortable. i constantly want to crawl out of my skin. and these thoughts in my mind manifest themselves physically. i almost feel possessed. that’s the only way to describe it. and not like a demonic possession, but by the world. possessed by society. by everyone else’s idea of who i am, who i should be. who knows, maybe that’s the same thing. maybe it’s just as bad. regardless, i need to break free. soon...