beautiful disaster

"he drowns in his dreams
an exquisite extreme, i know
he's as damned as he seems
and more heaven than a heart could hold"

i typically wouldn't be quoting a kelly clarkson song, but my sis got tickets for her b-day and took me to the concert last night. and i gotta admit this woman really has an amazing voice. anyway, ever since i heard this song it made me think of him (of course, i also thought about him when she played "since you've been gone"...hehe). in fact, i think i shall refer to him as the beautiful disaster from now on. it still baffles me to this day that someone could be so amazingly talented, have so much going for them, and just have no idea. it's such a waste.

i wrote this a little while back...i'm still trying to live by it. some days are definitely harder than others...

who do i desire to be?

how do i want people to remember me?

this is my life...there's no turning back, no second chances, no regrets

this is it

i can either look back and throw myself a pity party for every time something didn't go my way

i can continue to ask 'why me?' or 'what did i do wrong?' or 'what's wrong with me?'

or i can look back and ask 'what did i learn from this?' and 'how did i grow from this?' and 'how am i a better and stronger person now, because of this?'

that's the only difference - the only difference between my happiness and my misery is how i look at the things that shape my life and the questions i ask in response to them

i have a choice - a choice to make everyday concerning how i will let events affect me. a choice to make everyday concerning what i will do with the dreams in my heart. most times it's easier to talk about them and think about them. there's no opportunity for failure this way. however, there's also no opportunity for success. no opportunity to experience the joy of fulfilling a passion or desire.

i have a choice and i choose to take action.

i don't have control over everything, but i have control over the choices that i make.

i don't know how things will turn out in the end, but i know who i am and i know what i want and i would rather fail trying. just as in baseball, where i would much rather strike out swinging than strike out looking...i would much rather fail trying than fail hoping.

i know i will be weak at times...weakness is inevitable and i have to remember that i am only human. however, i trust in my Father to be my strength at all times - especially my times of weakness.

i know i will doubt, but i will persevere because my faith is rooted in something, in Someone, bigger than myself.

i know i will fear, but He will remind me to not be afraid and He will comfort and guide me along the way.

i know i will cry, but there is One who holds all my tears shed along the way in order to remind me of what it took to get to wherever i am. in order to show me how much He loves me.

this is it.

this is my life - not an obligation, but rather a gift. full of hurt, loss, fear and pain, but also of love, hope, joy and faith.

who do i desire to be?

how do i want people to remember me?

as someone who loved God with all of her heart...and cared for others more than herself...someone who took risks and pursued her dreams...and gave all she had, whatever the cost.