taking it all in...
may 14, 2006
"sometimes the most important stuff goes away...goes away so bad it's like it was never there to begin with."
the other day, he and i were on the couch watching "the united states of leland". it's one of those movies that really makes you think. the writing and characters completely demand your attention. and i entered into this state where i was just really in tune...to what i don't know exactly. to my heart, my sub-conscious, my psyche, to God.
occasionally i have these moments of clarity. and they're usually followed by the realization that things aren't always going to be a certain way, so i need to take it all in, appreciate it. it wasn't a feeling arising from fear or anything like that. it was very matter-of-fact like. so i did. i took it all in. his hands, his nails, even the hair on his legs...his blue shorts with the yellow trim and his gray shirt...his forehead and hairline...his eyebrows and cheek bones and unshaven face...his mouth...his nose...his ears...the beat of his heart and the rhythm of his breathing. and after i was done observing all these things, i wondered if anyone had ever done something like that with me...really taken the time to take me all in. my mom probably did when i was a baby, but that's about it.
why don't we take the time to do this more often. we get so busy...so wrapped up in all the shit that needs to be done, deadlines that need to be met. i think these simple moments are the most important ones. and yet, they are the ones that often slip away if we let them. i can read a whole textbook of information and i probably wouldn't be able to tell you one thing i read. but i can tell you what i was wearing when i had my first kiss. i can tell you the song that was playing. i can remember where i was when i really watched my first sunset. i can remember exactly how it felt. i remember where i was the first time i really cried. these are the most important moments in our lives. they define much of who we are and how we see the world. i can't even begin to imagine all of the feelings and emotions i will go through with getting married and having kids and all of those things to come, but one thing i do know...i want to take the time to appreciate it, to take it all in. i don't ever want to let life slip away.
and i know i can't say for sure, but i really don't think he has taken the time to really observe me in this way. he's not really there lately. and i'm tired of trying. i'm not one to give up easily, but i don't feel like he's giving me much reason to want to try. and yet if i say something or walk away, he'll just be like "i knew this was going to happen" because he's a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy. i don't know why he changed his mind. i honestly don't know what made him decide he wanted to give this a try again after so long. what happened? what changed? i worry that it was fear of losing me and he still doesn't know what he wants. there are never any answers. nothing is ever easy. and i feel like i lose either way.
"sometimes the most important stuff goes away...goes away so bad it's like it was never there to begin with."
the other day, he and i were on the couch watching "the united states of leland". it's one of those movies that really makes you think. the writing and characters completely demand your attention. and i entered into this state where i was just really in tune...to what i don't know exactly. to my heart, my sub-conscious, my psyche, to God.
occasionally i have these moments of clarity. and they're usually followed by the realization that things aren't always going to be a certain way, so i need to take it all in, appreciate it. it wasn't a feeling arising from fear or anything like that. it was very matter-of-fact like. so i did. i took it all in. his hands, his nails, even the hair on his legs...his blue shorts with the yellow trim and his gray shirt...his forehead and hairline...his eyebrows and cheek bones and unshaven face...his mouth...his nose...his ears...the beat of his heart and the rhythm of his breathing. and after i was done observing all these things, i wondered if anyone had ever done something like that with me...really taken the time to take me all in. my mom probably did when i was a baby, but that's about it.
why don't we take the time to do this more often. we get so busy...so wrapped up in all the shit that needs to be done, deadlines that need to be met. i think these simple moments are the most important ones. and yet, they are the ones that often slip away if we let them. i can read a whole textbook of information and i probably wouldn't be able to tell you one thing i read. but i can tell you what i was wearing when i had my first kiss. i can tell you the song that was playing. i can remember where i was when i really watched my first sunset. i can remember exactly how it felt. i remember where i was the first time i really cried. these are the most important moments in our lives. they define much of who we are and how we see the world. i can't even begin to imagine all of the feelings and emotions i will go through with getting married and having kids and all of those things to come, but one thing i do know...i want to take the time to appreciate it, to take it all in. i don't ever want to let life slip away.
and i know i can't say for sure, but i really don't think he has taken the time to really observe me in this way. he's not really there lately. and i'm tired of trying. i'm not one to give up easily, but i don't feel like he's giving me much reason to want to try. and yet if i say something or walk away, he'll just be like "i knew this was going to happen" because he's a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy. i don't know why he changed his mind. i honestly don't know what made him decide he wanted to give this a try again after so long. what happened? what changed? i worry that it was fear of losing me and he still doesn't know what he wants. there are never any answers. nothing is ever easy. and i feel like i lose either way.
posted by the shorter story... at 10:25 AM
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