happiness is...

i came across some quotes on happiness the other day and it got me thinking...what is happiness to me? so here is what i have come up with so far...in no particular order :)

"we all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same."

anne frank

"happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

gandhi

happiness is...

• knowing you’re exactly where you should be at any given time in your life

• contagious

• sitting with someone and not having to say anything...just being

• listening to music while driving in the car

• watching my little brother and sister grow up into such amazing people

• having a starbucks with my dad

• talking to my mommy

• having one on one time with any of my friends or family

• getting a card from a friend…just because

• being hugged

• knowing someone thinks you’re beautiful…when you are in gym clothes and have no makeup on

• having someone tell you that you’re beautiful

• taking pictures in a photo booth

• long walks

• traveling...seeing new things
  

• eating dessert
  

• having lunch with a friend you don't get to see very often

• watching a good movie

• watching a movie with the kids at the hospitals where we do screenings

• having those kids come up to me and hug me and thank me

• getting mail…not bills

• knowing you’ve done your best...tried your hardest...regardless of the outcome

• watching a sunset

• walking on the beach

• pursuing a dream
  

• accomplishing a goal

• doing something you’re afraid of…and loving it!

• jumping out of a perfectly good plane

• the feeling you get when you're excited to see someone

• vegging at home on the weekend
  

• knowing you always have a place to call home

• being alone from time to time

• taking a nap

• being able to help somebody else

• singing kelly clarkson songs with my sister when we're driving

• falling in love
  

• laughing so hard your face and stomach hurt

• writing...songs, poems, journal entries, whatever
  

• taking a bubble bath

• playing with the animals in a pet store

• reading a good book

• lying in bed listening to the rain outside

• better yet, playing in the rain
  

• even better, jumping in puddles :)

• warm clothes right out of the dryer

• being able to laugh at yourself

• buying new shoes...or clothes...the excitement lasts a little while at least

• being with family during the holidays
  

• late night phone calls that last for hours
  

• laughing for absolutely no reason at all
  

• waking up and realizing you still have more time left to sleep

• going on vacation
  

• having someone play with your hair

• curling up next to a fireplace in the winter…even though we don’t really have those here :) i like to pretend...
  

• going on a road trip
  

• swinging on swings

• watching your friends get married and have kids

• going to concerts

• cooking dinner with a friend
  

• holding hands
  

• reuniting with old friends

• making new friends

• watching grey's anatomy :)
  

• watching the sunrise

• knowing someone looks up to you
  

• knowing that someone misses you

• finding new music that you love
  

• knowing you've done the right thing, regardless of what other people think

a quick reprieve

the former title of my blog...and what i feel i often need. this is a song i wrote recently...it's a work in progress, as is my life.

i found myself again
in him this time around
another drug that takes the edge off
but can’t remove the pain

so empty inside
still trying to fill this void
deep within where i feel dead
but know you’re still alive

chorus
and a quick reprieve
is all i need tonight
a brief moment of sanity
it burns within me
but you know me better than i do
than i do
and i could never fool you

i still talk to you
when the city’s asleep am i
am i crazy to believe that you can hear me
do you still hear me (chorus)

bridge
they don’t know me
they don’t get me like you do
they don’t see the things i see
they don’t know me
they don’t know me
they don’t get me like you do
they will never understand
you’re not just another man

and a quick reprieve
is all i need tonight
a brief moment of sanity
you burn within me
you’ve always known me better than i do
than i do
and i could never fool you

taking it all in...

may 14, 2006

"sometimes the most important stuff goes away...goes away so bad it's like it was never there to begin with."

the other day, he and i were on the couch watching "the united states of leland". it's one of those movies that really makes you think. the writing and characters completely demand your attention. and i entered into this state where i was just really in tune...to what i don't know exactly. to my heart, my sub-conscious, my psyche, to God.

occasionally i have these moments of clarity. and they're usually followed by the realization that things aren't always going to be a certain way, so i need to take it all in, appreciate it. it wasn't a feeling arising from fear or anything like that. it was very matter-of-fact like. so i did. i took it all in. his hands, his nails, even the hair on his legs...his blue shorts with the yellow trim and his gray shirt...his forehead and hairline...his eyebrows and cheek bones and unshaven face...his mouth...his nose...his ears...the beat of his heart and the rhythm of his breathing. and after i was done observing all these things, i wondered if anyone had ever done something like that with me...really taken the time to take me all in. my mom probably did when i was a baby, but that's about it.

why don't we take the time to do this more often. we get so busy...so wrapped up in all the shit that needs to be done, deadlines that need to be met. i think these simple moments are the most important ones. and yet, they are the ones that often slip away if we let them. i can read a whole textbook of information and i probably wouldn't be able to tell you one thing i read. but i can tell you what i was wearing when i had my first kiss. i can tell you the song that was playing. i can remember where i was when i really watched my first sunset. i can remember exactly how it felt. i remember where i was the first time i really cried. these are the most important moments in our lives. they define much of who we are and how we see the world. i can't even begin to imagine all of the feelings and emotions i will go through with getting married and having kids and all of those things to come, but one thing i do know...i want to take the time to appreciate it, to take it all in. i don't ever want to let life slip away.

and i know i can't say for sure, but i really don't think he has taken the time to really observe me in this way. he's not really there lately. and i'm tired of trying. i'm not one to give up easily, but i don't feel like he's giving me much reason to want to try. and yet if i say something or walk away, he'll just be like "i knew this was going to happen" because he's a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy. i don't know why he changed his mind. i honestly don't know what made him decide he wanted to give this a try again after so long. what happened? what changed? i worry that it was fear of losing me and he still doesn't know what he wants. there are never any answers. nothing is ever easy. and i feel like i lose either way.

journal entry #1

i feel like i need an outlet. i need someone to talk to in order to get all of these thoughts out of my head. but if you were to put that person in front of me i'd probably have no idea what to say...no clue where to begin. i'm disgusted with myself. i know i've said this many times before but i don't like who i am, who i've become. i'm learning to play the games and disguise my true self. i lie like it's nothing. i even lie to myself, so i don't know when i'm lying anymore. i don't dream anymore - not even when i sleep. i don't feel passionate about anything or anyone. i can make you think i do though. is any of it real or is it all a facade? i hate to think there's no truth to it at all, but it does feel that way sometimes. i feel like i'm living someone else's life. this isn't me. this isn't who i am or who i ever wanted to be. what do i do though? how do i escape before it's too late? before i don't even recognize anymore what's happening? i feel so alone. so uncomfortable. i constantly want to crawl out of my skin. and these thoughts in my mind manifest themselves physically. i almost feel possessed. that’s the only way to describe it. and not like a demonic possession, but by the world. possessed by society. by everyone else’s idea of who i am, who i should be. who knows, maybe that’s the same thing. maybe it’s just as bad. regardless, i need to break free. soon...

beautiful disaster

"he drowns in his dreams
an exquisite extreme, i know
he's as damned as he seems
and more heaven than a heart could hold"

i typically wouldn't be quoting a kelly clarkson song, but my sis got tickets for her b-day and took me to the concert last night. and i gotta admit this woman really has an amazing voice. anyway, ever since i heard this song it made me think of him (of course, i also thought about him when she played "since you've been gone"...hehe). in fact, i think i shall refer to him as the beautiful disaster from now on. it still baffles me to this day that someone could be so amazingly talented, have so much going for them, and just have no idea. it's such a waste.

i wrote this a little while back...i'm still trying to live by it. some days are definitely harder than others...

who do i desire to be?

how do i want people to remember me?

this is my life...there's no turning back, no second chances, no regrets

this is it

i can either look back and throw myself a pity party for every time something didn't go my way

i can continue to ask 'why me?' or 'what did i do wrong?' or 'what's wrong with me?'

or i can look back and ask 'what did i learn from this?' and 'how did i grow from this?' and 'how am i a better and stronger person now, because of this?'

that's the only difference - the only difference between my happiness and my misery is how i look at the things that shape my life and the questions i ask in response to them

i have a choice - a choice to make everyday concerning how i will let events affect me. a choice to make everyday concerning what i will do with the dreams in my heart. most times it's easier to talk about them and think about them. there's no opportunity for failure this way. however, there's also no opportunity for success. no opportunity to experience the joy of fulfilling a passion or desire.

i have a choice and i choose to take action.

i don't have control over everything, but i have control over the choices that i make.

i don't know how things will turn out in the end, but i know who i am and i know what i want and i would rather fail trying. just as in baseball, where i would much rather strike out swinging than strike out looking...i would much rather fail trying than fail hoping.

i know i will be weak at times...weakness is inevitable and i have to remember that i am only human. however, i trust in my Father to be my strength at all times - especially my times of weakness.

i know i will doubt, but i will persevere because my faith is rooted in something, in Someone, bigger than myself.

i know i will fear, but He will remind me to not be afraid and He will comfort and guide me along the way.

i know i will cry, but there is One who holds all my tears shed along the way in order to remind me of what it took to get to wherever i am. in order to show me how much He loves me.

this is it.

this is my life - not an obligation, but rather a gift. full of hurt, loss, fear and pain, but also of love, hope, joy and faith.

who do i desire to be?

how do i want people to remember me?

as someone who loved God with all of her heart...and cared for others more than herself...someone who took risks and pursued her dreams...and gave all she had, whatever the cost.

strangers

it's so weird to me how someone you used to be so intimate with, so close to, can quickly become a stranger...like you never even knew them at all. you just pass them on the street one day and neither of you stops, or even acknowledges the other. this person that knows yours deepest thoughts, fears and dreams (and you, in turn, know theirs) can't even say a simple "hello." what am i to think of this? how should this make me feel? it almost gives validity to my fear of getting close to people. when you're inseparable one day and invisible the next. when you pour yourself into someone, just to be left feeling empty inside. am i bitter, angry, sad? not really. i feel more apathetic about it then anything. which scares me a little cuz i never want to get to a place where i feel numb. i love that i feel. i love that i am passionate. i love that i am able to love. i long for the day when i find that someone that i know will never turn into this stranger...

knowing is better than wondering...

"a couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success: never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today. this is the man who discovered electricity. you think more people would listen to what he had to say. i don't know why we put things off, but if i had to guess, i'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear: fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? what if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

"we can't pretend we haven't been told. we've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. we have to make our own mistakes. we have to learn our own lessons. we have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant...

"that knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

meredith said this in one of her narrations on grey's anatomy, and it couldn't be more true. this pretty much sums up my life. i used to always be so afraid of making the wrong decision, so afraid of failing and disappointing everyone. then as i got a little older i started to realize that i need to make these mistakes in order to grow and learn. otherwise i'm not going anywhere. i'm stagnant.

then i actually started making those mistakes. it wasn't easy at first. in fact, i pretty much hit rock bottom the first couple times. but with each one i became stronger and stronger, until i finally got to the point where i could resonate with and embrace the last part of that quote. and i truly believe that...knowing IS better than wondering. i have a friend who is married and still in love with another guy. it eats away at her everyday as she wonders "what if?" i don't have to wonder anymore with steve. and although i don't necessarily consider it a failure, some people might. after all, it didn't end "successfully". we're not talking. it's like one day someone is one of your best friends and the next day you never even knew them. four years...just like that. for what? well i truly believe i wouldn't be who i am today if it wasn't for him. so in my mind, it's not a failure. but even if that's what you wanna call it, it sure does beat the hell out of never trying.