all you need is love...

i'm listening to the rain outside my window right now.  i love it.  there's something nostalgic about it. 

today was one of those blah days. you know the kind...not bad, not good, just blah. i didn't get much accomplished. i think i need to find a good place to go where i can get work done...a nice coffee shop with free internet. i don't do well with the whole working at home thing. i get too antsy.

i saw "across the universe" today. then i walked around downtown, before coming back home and watching more episodes of "grey's anatomy." i hate to sound pathetic, but there's something to say about good movies or television when you're going through a shitty time. huh, i just thought about reel angels as i was typing that. makes me believe in my own mission statement even more...escaping through the magic of movies. just had one of those "a-ha" moments :)

back to the movie...it really was amazing. brilliant, actually. i had a complete emotional experience throughout the course of the film and its wonderful characters. a brief summary, for those who don't know anything about it, goes like this: jude, a dock worker in liverpool, travels to america in the 1960s to find his estranged father. there he falls in love with an american teenager, lucy. when her brother (and jude's new best friend), max, is drafted to fight in the vietnam war, lucy becomes involved in peace activism, which ultimately tears her and jude apart. it's an original musical film, set to many beatles songs that defined that time period. it's a fictional, but beautiful love story. and i just would definitely recommend it to anyone that likes films like "big fish" and "moulin rouge."

as far as my blah day, i think we all need blah days every once in a while. i struggle with not feeling productive, but that's something i just need to let go of on occasion. note to self: learn to embrace blah days.

change

it's amazing how quickly your life can change.  not just some small change, but literally do a 180 in such a short amount of time.  i find it interesting that i've had the opportunity to experience this twice already in the 23 years that i've been alive.  the first time, i feel like it was completely out of my hands.  i had absolutely no control.  this last time, i think i orchestrated it.  not in that i planned on it happening the way it did, but in that i made choices & decisions that determined the outcome.  and yet what i find to be the most interesting is that it brought me to the same, hopeless place in the end.  i wonder what that means, if it means anything at all.  does it mean that life is going to take its course, regardless of which actions you take.  i'd like to think we have some say in the direction our lives go.  but then there is always that weird sense of peace in thinking that maybe whatever is supposed to happen will eventually happen one way or the other.  some people might call it fate. i hesitate to put that label on it because of the negative connotations sometimes associated with the word.  but it's something like that.  

i felt a little better today.  maybe it was just a good day...a break from the literal hell i felt like i was in this last week.  it's not that i don't feel sad, or miss him any less today.  i just feel a little more positive about the reality of my situation.  i'm in an amazing city, with a great roommate and new friend.  i will meet more people.  i won't always feel so alone.  i have the prospect of a great new job.  i don't know what or where or when, but that's what's so great about it.  i have the choice.  i have options.  and if, god forbid, i make the wrong choice, it's not the end of the world.  i'm 23 years old.  i'm not supporting anyone.  no one is relying on me in order to survive.  i feel like i can finally think about me.  what is it that i want.  what is it that i need.  not "who do i need to be in order to make [insert name here] happy."  i don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks right now.  holy shit.  that is a really freeing realization.  one that's going to take some getting used to, but that's okay.  and i know this isn't the end of rough times or bad days, but there is always some sort of light and the end of whatever path i'm on.

here is what i know...i'm healthy, i'm strong, i'm smart, i'm beautiful (that one was a little more difficult for me to type, but i'm working on it), i have a roof over my head, i have food in my cupboard (and/or fridge), i have a family that loves me and would do anything for me, i have at least 2 other people in my life that i know i can count on to be there whenever i need them (and vice versa).

here is what i hope for...a long life ahead of me (full of love and hurt, happiness and tough times, laughter and tears...for they all shape who i am), to find what it is that fulfills this desire and passion in the depths of my heart, to always stand firm in what i believe and speak up for myself (no matter the cost).

here is what i want...to love someone with all my heart and be loved, cherished and adored in return, to be a good mom (not a perfect mom, but just to do the best i can), to be a respected woman (among my family, friends, and/or co-workers), to have a place to call home, to always take risks, to live without fear of failure by trying everything i want to do at least once, to get back up and try again if i do fail.  failure is inevitable.  just like change is inevitable.  whether we think we control it or not, it's bound to happen.

i want to hang on to the idea that if he and i are meant to come together again in this life, it will happen.  i need to let go.  i know he will be fine.  i trust he will be taken care of.  and if this was true friendship, then that will reveal itself in time.  i hope it was true and real.  i hope.

currently listening to:


"starting now" by ingrid michaelson