hungover thoughts

so, i went away for the weekend with some friends a couple of months ago. as i'm writing this, i can't believe it was a couple of months ago. fuck, where does the time go? anyway, we were specifically heading down to san diego to see duncan sheik play at the casbah. but, the first night was a fun-filled UFC party. for those of you that don't know what UFC stands for (don't worry, i didn't either), it's ultimate fighting championship. now, the first thing that came to mind when i heard this was "friends". if anyone is a hardcore "friends" addict like myself, then they will remember the guy (jon favreau) monica dated who decided he wanted to be the ultimate fighting champion. well, he failed, but thanks to him i knew what the ultimate fighting championship was. i just wasn't smart enough to figure out the acronym. oh well. i digress.

so, i'm at this UFC party, watching these guys on the television just holding each other for extended periods of time. it looked more like they were making love than fighting most of the time. finally, there were a couple of nice hits and a kick to the side of the head. and i would get all excited whenever i actually saw blood...i was like that's what i'm talkin about! now you're probably thinking i'm some gory, violent person. far from. it's just that i was sick of watching a bunch of ugly guys try out the latest kama sutra positions and call it fighting. i'm going somewhere with this, i promise...

anyway, i had had a couple of drinks at this point. then, as soon as the fighting was over, the party picked up a little. we all started dancing, and i did a few shots. by "few" i mean "i totally lost track of how many." then, i think i drank a couple of beers. either way, i hadn't had that much to drink since my 21st b-day and i was s-i-c-k. i tried to fall asleep that night, but the sleeping arrangements were...er...interesting. so, i was worried i would wake up and have to step on like 20 people just to run to the bathroom. i finally fell asleep at some point but woke up feeling like shit.

later that morning, we were all sitting around in one of the guy's rooms. staring blankly at each other. we were all in this exhausted hungover haze. you know when you're too tired to do anything, but too tired to sleep. well, i grew tired of this and decided to pull out my journal, and i just started writing these random thoughts...

all reasoning gone
all logic flees
again i find myself
falling on my knees
all i ask for
all you can give
i can’t be myself
til i learn to live
this wasted life
this wasted time
all flies away
with another day
what is purpose anyway
how can you find something
when you don’t know what you’re looking for
when the search for someone
leaves you lonelier than before
you knew you were even looking for them
to begin with
all things must end
and nothing makes sense
even the things you were so sure of
reality comes to
illusion fades
sleeping off the hurt
thinking over change
crying out the pain
but what do you do when
your eyes won’t close
like a dried up land
your mind won’t shut off
like you originally planned
constipated emotions
constipated memories
not wanting what you can have
peace
serenity
all the colors fill my soul
the blue just filters through

i had completely forgotten about this when i pulled out the journal the other day and came across it. as i read it over, i thought to myself, maybe i should drink more often...

currently listening to:


swati

dreams

"dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today" (james dean)

this has been one of my favorite quotes since i saw it on a james dean poster in a store in the mall when i was in junior high. it was one of those things i used to write on all of my notebooks in school...and doodle all over my "notes" i was taking in class. along with "i love (insert crush-of-the-month here)." anyway, i think it's been one of those things that has stuck with me and really impacted how i perceive and live my life.

about 5 years ago, my brother and i sat down at starbucks. i just say "starbucks" and not "a starbucks" cuz this was before there was one on every corner. what's up with that anyway. do we really need like 10 of them within a quarter mile radius? there is a shopping center right by my house that has one at the end of the center, one inside the grocery store, and then another one literally right around the corner. not to mention the coffee bean right next to it. and the other, privately owned coffee shop...which is really good, by the way. i've been going there a lot more lately. i enjoy the atmosphere there. it's more, i dunno, original. anyway, i totally went off topic...

so, my brother and i are sitting in starbucks, and somehow the topic of dreams came up. and we started talking about all of the things we wanted to accomplish in life. so we decided to make a list and try to accomplish as many of those things as possible. i borrowed some paper and a couple of pens from one of the employees, and my little brother and i sat there and began to list all these things. it's funny cuz i remember him starting right away and he had about 50 in no time. it was harder for me. there were a couple things that came to mind immediately, but they were the bigger, more obvious things (like wanting to get married). i started to become frustrated because i realized that i had already begun to lose sight of those things i once dreamed of doing...and i was only 17. my bro was so adorable. i will never forget his patience and encouragement as he started asking me questions, and even sharing things on his list, to help me rediscover those desires that had started to fade away. before i knew it, i was up to about 50 items on my list as well.

anyway, last night i was in one of my funks. i get like that every once in a while, where i sort of feel lost or out of place and i don't know why. i'm not sure what triggers it, and it's really hard to describe the feeling. but it usually passes soon enough. i had plans to do a few things last night. i was supposed to go to a show (a new musician i was gonna check out) and a friend of mine was having a b-day party. but i bailed on both...and met my dad for dinner. we had a good conversation and were able to catch up on what was going on in each other's lives. this is probably one of my favorite things to do, by the way...one-on-one time with any of my family members. anyway, i went home after dinner and started going through some old photo albums. and out fell a couple of pieces of folded up paper. mine and my brother's dream lists. i read his first. it's funny to see how much he's changed in the last 5 years. he used to want to be a navy airforce pilot...now he wants to be an actor. and it's amazing to me how many of the things he's already done on his list...and he's only 15. he's amazing.

i moved to my list next. it's also interesting to see how i've changed over the last 5 years. i've done a few of the things on my list, no longer have the desire to do others, and could probably add a few more now. but, here it is (in no particular order). thought it would be cool to share...

in my life, i want to:

1. visit the seven wonders of the world
2. see all of the key places in the bible (walk where jesus walked)
3. finish college
4. go skydiving
5. go bungee jumping
6. read the bible all the way through (at least once)
7. invent something or come up with something no one's ever thought of (specifically a way to help people)
8. act in a movie
9. direct a movie
10. lead a bible study group
11. write a book
12. play in a band
13. write and produce my own song (or even a whole album)
14. learn how to play guitar better
15. learn how to play the piano
16. learn how to play drums (i think that's all for the musical instruments)
17. go on a road trip
18. live in the country for a while (or anywhere outside of california where i'm just surrounded by nature...and not smog and traffic)
19. climb a mountain
20. go fishing (and actually catch a fish)
21. learn another language
22. fall in love and get married
23. have kids
24. start my own business/organization
25. open an orphanage in africa (as well as doing other worldwide ministry things)
26. spend a day with sandra bullock (i used to be in love with her... "while you were sleeping" is one of my fave movies...however, i might have to change this one to natalie portman or rachel mcadams...my 2 female celebrity crushes...hehe)
27. swim with dolphins
28. jump off of a waterfall
29. paint a picture (you have to understand i'm not creative in this way at all!)
30. witness a miracle
31. spend a day with john eldredge (as much as i would still like to do this, i would have to add a new favorite author here: i would love to spend some time with donald miller)
32. finish writing my script and film it (no clue which script i was referring to, so let's say "finish writing A script...")
33. learn to water ski
34. go white water rafting
35. ride a motorcycle
36. get a tattoo
37. participate in a marathon
38. learn to scuba dive
39. take pictures of the sunset every night for one consecutive year and make an album
40. go on a safari
41. knit a scarf (or even a blanket)
42. explore a cave
43. learn more about philosophy, as well as other religions
44. learn how to surf
45. backpack across europe (too much i want to see to list everything individually)
46. make it a point to constantly try new things
47. learn how to golf
48. take fencing lessons
49. take ballroom dancing lessons
50. go horseback riding on the beach

currently listening to:


jorane

boundaries

"at some point, you have to make a decision. boundaries don't keep other people out. they fence you in. life is messy. that's how we're made. so, you can waste your life drawing lines. or you can live your life crossing them" (grey's anatomy)

at some point i will run out of quotes from grey's anatomy, but in the meantime, they are just too damn good to not use :) anyway, i was just thinking about this the other day, and then i saw this quote. there seem to be a lot of people around me dealing with issues related to boundaries. struggling over whether to cross them. regretting having crossed them...or not crossed them. or wishing they didn't have so many to begin with. the reality is, we all have boundaries. whether we realize it or not. sometimes it's merely our sub-conscious telling us not to do something because we were brought up to believe that it was wrong. and i do believe that some of these boundaries are good in order to maintain healthy relationships. if you are a people pleaser, for example, you will get walked all over, taken advantage of (i know...i've been there). however, i feel like we have a tendency of taking things to the extreme. we become obsessive compulsive over things. someone tells us that certain foods are bad for us (everything causes some sort of cancer nowadays), and instead of just eating less, we go on insane diets.

according to wikipedia, as a psychological term, boundary can mean a mental separation which we keep between ourselves and others. the natural human response is to protect ourselves. we worry that if others discover who we really are, they won't want to be around us anymore. and we fear being alone, being lonely. but these kind of boundaries are the kind that we think are protecting us, when in all honesty they are only hurting us. when i was in 4th grade, i met a girl that is still one of my best friends today. the only thing is, i regret never getting close to her until more recently. she has cystic fibrosis and was always pretty sick as we were growing up. i was always so scared that she was going to die that i never wanted to get close to her. not only was i hurting myself, but i was hurting her. she told me years later that that was the worst part about having a disease. apparently i wasn't the only one afraid to get attached. we don't usually realize these boundaries so much when we're younger and unfortunately, as we grow older, they are already ingrained in us. we have to start over in a way. we have to re-learn how to let people in. or rather, how to let ourselves out.

i, personally, am tired of drawing lines. i've been drawing lines my whole life. i used to be the people pleaser. i wanted everyone to "like" me. i hated conflict. i'm kinda over the whole pleasing everyone thing now, but i still struggle in other areas. i don't want people to get too close, to see all the messy stuff. why? i'm afraid of getting hurt. it's what i know. letting people in=me getting hurt. but i'm beginning to look at this whole thing differently. if i don't let people in, i'm still getting hurt. the only difference is, i'm hurting myself. who cares if i'm fucked up. let's be honest, we all are. make a decision. stop drawing so many lines and start crossing some...

it's a big girl world now...

"we're adults. when did that happen? and how do we make it stop?" (meredith grey, grey's anatomy)

i recently posted this on my myspace blog, but really want to get away from blogging on myspace. cuz the truth is...i hate myspace. i have been on the verge of cancelling my account so many times and can't bring myself to do it for some reason. pathetic. they're gonna have to have recovery groups for myspace addicts soon...it's getting out of hand. i have friends that literally spend an average of 2-3 hours a day on there...just re-decorating their page. anyway, i could go on, but i digress...here's the official start of my new blog:

i've really been in the mood to write lately, but struggling with expressing myself...which is not normal for me. i'm not sure why this is exactly. writing has always been my outlet. i always had a difficult time expressing myself verbally, but now that that has become easier for me, it's like i don't need this outlet. i rarely journal anymore. i miss it. i had come to the conclusion that this was largely due to the fact that i'm sick of saying the same things over and over again. i'm sick of feeling the same way, complaining about the same stuff, and ultimately ending up in the same place in my head. and i'm sure that has a lot to do with it too. i need to find a way to get back inside myself. i feel like i've lost touch with who i am. in the craziness of life, i often feel like i'm standing still on a busy city street while everything speeds by all around me (you've seen those shots in movies). i would love to just get in my car and drive. i don't know where. just out of here. just drive and listen to music. one of my favorite things to do. i would love to fly to europe and get a job at a coffee shop or something and just live there for a few months. there are so many things i want to try and places i want to see. and sometimes i feel like my life is just wasting away. i sit here at this desk and the days fly by...and then months...and, before i know it, years. do you notice how fast the years seem to go by as you grow older?

i don't want to abandon everything i've worked so hard for, but i feel burnt out. i think i'm too young to be this tired. what is wrong with our society. everyone is in such a rush to be successful, make lots of money, get married, have kids, etc., that they forget to just "be." they forget how to live life. or worse, they never learn how to love life. it's not that i don't want some of those things. i just don't want to be so preoccupied with searching for or pursuing them that i miss what's right in front of me. i don't want to miss the beauty of a single day. there is so much right in front us, staring us straight in the face, but we don't see it. sometimes we're so busy that we completely miss it. but more often than not, i think we choose not to see it. we are blinded by apprehension or doubt. it's safe that way. it's a self-preservation thing. it saddens me though.

i don't want to walk out of work tonight, underneath my umbrella, racing to the comfort of my car so god forbid i don't get wet. i want to look up and watch it fall. i want to dance in it. and maybe even jump in a few puddles. i want people to look at me funny. cuz i don't give a shit. i'm gonna live my life...and i'm learning how to love it.

"it's a big girl world now...full of big girl things...and every day, i wish i was small..."